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Looked at Myself and Summoned a Demon

The world looks normal. The trees still look normal, my assignments look normal, my house is the same that it has been for the past 18 years. I still hear the birds, I see my friends on the screen, I see that the sun and moon come up every day. It all looks normal. But it sure does not feel so. I did not think I’d be one of those people who says “2020 sucks bro” but 2020 does suck hard bro.

Sushant Singh Rajput is somebody who inspired me. I would not say I knew his story all along or that I have been watching him ever since he started acting in soap operas or that I am an avid fan of his. Spiritually, he inspired me. He was not one of those actors who only tweeted about their movies and releases or congratulatory and condolence messages. He tweeted musings. He spoke about the universe passionately. He would tweet out deep thoughts- thoughts that you generally swipe off on first look but thoughts that hit deep the more you stare at it. That inspired me. It engrossed me that acting and promotions were not the only reasons why he used his platform. He would muse and share the thought.

From what I had seen in his interviews, I always felt he was an emotionally mature and sensible person. He would not give in to petty film industry drama or any drama for that matter. He admitted when he did not know things, he spoke about it when he did. He, in part, imparted that there is more to life than just your career. He posted about very small things. Things that did not necessarily make him seem “cool”.

But then again, what do I know about what he went through; about what he saw; about what befell him. It breaks my heart to know that he killed himself and it breaks my heart even more to imagine what he might have gone through. “Suicide is cowardly”, “Fighting life back is brave” “if you live to fight another day, you’re a hero”, “if you kill yourself because you think you can’t take it anymore, you didn’t deserve to breathe in the first place” “ironic that he acted in a film against suicide” and and and. But is it really that simple? Life is not black and white. Every person who ever said this or says this was/is alive at the time of saying it. How could we decide that dying is the wrong option when none of us alive today have actually killed ourselves? There might be some people who tried to end their lives but decided to take the “braver” path. But how sure can they be about it being the braver path? Suicide probably is a cowardly act but as much as we claim we know what it takes to go back on a decision to kill ourselves, we don’t know what it takes to actually go through with it. Hope wanes and makes you rethink your codes when the people you look up to go against that very code.

To know that someone, whom I barely know, was going through something that pushed them to end the one thing they work for, love for, eat for, sleep for, or do anything for, breaks my heart.

I don’t know if it is 2020, or Sushant’s death or the dark clouds that are suddenly looming under the scorching heat of Chennai’s summer sun but it does not feel normal. It does not feel ok. As much as I would like to say this is a bad dream I’m yet to wake up from, I know with every atom in my body that it isn’t. It’s reality.

But it’s not fair man.

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